Four Years Later
by CarebearKara
Summary: [Hiatus] It's four years later but Landon is still dealing with the pain and grief of Jamie's death. Will he ever get over it? Or will things always remind him of her? Landon is about to start med school...
1. Pain

**This fic was also put here under another account. The same account as Adotion and Harvard University.  
  
Four Years Later**  
By Karah  
  
Disclaimer: These characters belong to Nicholas Sparks, Di Novi Pictures, Pandora and all the other people they belong to.  
  
_Author's Note: I originally got this idea the first time I saw the music video for Cry at the end of the VHS. I wrote it over like a hundred times (not really) and I thought all of them sucked but then I watched AWTR again with my cousin and decided to try and write the fic again. Hopefully it's better then the other ones I wrote before this. This is all Landon's POV._  
  
**Summary: It's been four years since Jamie died. Landon is in med school and hangs with his friends from college and med school when he has the time or feels like it. But one day him and some of his buds are walking past a record store and see a Mandy Moore CD advertised in the window. His friends don't get why he is so freaked by the pictures. It's because Mandy Moore looks like Jamie and that makes him think about Jamie. None of his friends know he and Jamie married before she died.  
  
Prologue**:  
  
It's been four years but the pain is still there. At night I remember the pain Jamie was in during her last days on earth. I still miss her and wish she hadn't gotten leukemia. All that makes it harder to move on but I know that even though Jamie has gone to heaven I'll still honour the vows I made the day we got married. I even still wear my ring. Even though none of my friends with the exception of the ones from Beaufort know what the ring really means. I was married but she died and that was the worst day of my life. Even worse then when she told me she had leukemia and when she was in the hospital after collapsing. When she went home after collapsing my dad paid for home care so she could stay home then we got married and moved into our own apartment and he still paid for home care.  
  
People always say things will get better but I find that hard to believe when four years later I'm still in pain. Jamie was the best thing in my life and the summer we had together was hard because we both knew if would be our first and last together. It was also the best summer of my life. Jamie was sick most of the time but we still did go out. Not all the time, only when she was feeling well enough to go out. That didn't happen very often but it did sometimes and we enjoyed it when it did. We went to my mom's for dinner on Sunday after church when Jamie was feeling up to it and visited with her father and mine as well. We even spent some time with my friends that summer. I don't really talk to any of them now but when I do they always stay away from the subject of Jamie because they all know it still hurts.  
  
My goal it to specialize in cancer and find a cure for leukemia because I need to do it. I feel like I owe Jamie that. She died at the age of eighteen and that's a very sad thing. I want others with leukemia to have the chance to live full long lives. I don't want any family to go through what we did with Jamie's leukemia and death. It's bad enough that I still feel the pain of her death and if I could've changed anything that happened then I would. I would change the things I did to make Jamie feel bad before I fell in love with her and I would change her getting sick if I could. If I could do that, Jamie would still be here and she would be the one making a medical discovery.  
  
The night Jamie died I made her a promise that I would do whatever I could on her list. She told me once that one thing was to make a medical discovery so that's what I plan to do when I become an oncologist.  
  
**Please review this so I know what you think. I will probably be putting all the other parts I have written up today if I have the time but you can tell from my bio that this story is on hiatus. And will be until I my writer's block is gone. Which could be awhile from now. TBC...**


	2. A Night With the Guys

**Chapter 1: A Night With The Guys:**

My friends want me to go out with them tonight and I said I would so even though I feel like hibernating at home I'm going. It's just the guys tonight. They figured that since the anniversary of Jamie's death is coming up just they would take me out without their girlfriends hanging around. I mean they're my friends too but when they are together things just really remind me of the love Jamie and I shared. I can't live like that anymore so I've tried moving on but it hasn't happened yet and I have a hard time believing that I will ever really move on. How can I when the love of my life is dead and I still think of her everyday? It is just not possible. I will always miss Jamie and how sweet she was to everyone.

Knock…knock.

"Coming." I called from the hallway as I walked towards the door.

I opened the door and saw Jake, Matt and Steven standing there ready to go.

"Hey, guys." I said, "Come in for a sec and I'll be back."

"Sure." Jake said.

When I came back two minutes later we left and headed to the pool hall. The guys were all ready to have a blast and I was ready to fake the fun. I was not in the mood to be hanging with the guys. I wanted to be at home feeling sorry for myself.

"Hey, Carter! Snap out of it!" Matt called from the game of pool he was playing with Steven and Jake.

"Ya. You should join us, then we can play doubles." Jake said, "Me and you against these two."

"When you guys are done that game I will." I heard myself say.

"OK." Steven agreed, "You can't back out when we're done, dude."

"Wouldn't think of it." I said.

_'Get a grip, Carter!'_ I told myself, _'Have fun with your friends. You know Jamie would want you to.'_

The guys finished up their game then I joined them and after three games Steven and Matt gave up. Jake and I beat them every time.

"OK. You guys are good." Matt said.

_'And I wasn't even trying. Interesting.'_ I thought.

"Landon and I rule at pool." Jake said.

"No, you and Tasha rule at pool." I said.

"We do but that's only because Tasha loves the game." Jake said.

"I thought we agreed no girlfriend talk." Matt said.

"We did." Steven said.

"It doesn't matter guys." I said, "One way or another you would've started to talk about them."

"You sure you're fine with it?" Jake asked.

"Yep." I replied.

"Well we'll go back to not talking about them. They know tonight was a no girlfriend night anyway." Matt said.

"Fine with me." Steven said, "Sara's mad at me anyway."

"You say something like that, Steve, and then we want to know why." I said.

"No idea why. She just is." Steven replied.

"Could it be because you told her that tonight was strictly a guy night?" Jake asked.

"Yah, probably. I'll ask her later." Steven said.

"You should." I said, "You guys are great together."

"Yes, but even a little problem seems to rip us apart." Steven said.

"You guys have always been on and off." Jake said, "Since high school."

"You've been together that long?" I asked.

You see, Matt, Jake and Steven have been friends since high school. I met them in college and Jake is also in medical school. He wants to be a pediatrician. Jake and Steven have been best friends since elementary school and they met Matt in junior high. Jake and Steven known Sara and Tasha since elementary school too. Matt and Kate met in college. The guys and I were talking when my cell phone rang. I answered it and was surprised to hear Eric on the other end.

"Hey, man." He said.

"Hey, Eric. How is the gang?" I asked since I hadn't seen them since graduation over four years ago.

"Great. Dean and Belinda were caught...Trish is mad at both of them now and Craig is doing great in law school." Eric replied, "How are you? Seriously?"

"How I always am." I replied cryptically because I couldn't really say with the guys around. 

They know about Jamie but they don't know I was married to her because I can hardly talk about her.

"You're with Jake, Matt and Steven aren't you?" Eric asked.

"Yah." I replied.

"OK. I'll let ya go and talk to ya later then." Eric said.

"OK. Bye, Eric." I said.

"Bye, man." Eric said.

I hung up the cell and went back to talking with the guys about nothing much.

**Please review. If you are reading any of my other fanfics, please review them as well. Reviews make a writer very happy.**


	3. Memories of Jamie

**Chapter 2: Memories of Jamie:**

After a while we left the pool hall and were walking to _Record Mania_ because Jake was looking for Tasha's birthday present.  
"I still think you should get her something else. A CD is boring." Steven said.

"You're one to talk. That's all you ever give Sara." Matt said.

"Ya, but not boring CD's. Jake wants to give Tasha a Mandy Moore CD." Steven defended himself.

"Whatever. It's still a CD." Matt said.

"What's so boring about a Mandy Moore CD anyway?" Jake asked.

"Hello...most of it is too slow." Matt said.

"Guys, quit it already! It's just at CD." I said.

"Besides I happen to know that Tash likes Mandy Moore." Jake said.

"OK. If you say so." Matt said.

"If it were you wouldn't you buy Kate something she liked?" I asked.

"Yes...but not a CD." Matt replied.

"It's just a CD. People get CD's as presents all the time." I said.

"Landon is right. Who really cares if it's a CD as long as Tasha likes it?" Jake asked. 

"OK, ok, ok. Get her the CD for all I care." Matt said.

So Jake, Matt, Steven and I walked into Record Mania and Jake headed straight to where the Mandy Moore CD's were. I wasn't really paying that much attention to the picture on the CD but as we followed Jake to the checkout I took a look at the CD he had picked out. The very first thing I noticed was the resemblance between Mandy and Jamie. The singer looks just like Jamie did. As soon as I looked at the CD memories began to invade my mind. Our wedding, the summer we had together, Jamie's death, finding out Jamie was sick, asking my dad for help, all those things that happened with us and after I found out about Jamie being sick. She told me she was dying but I never believed it until she died. I had always thought that God would make her better. That He would do a miracle and that Jamie would live to be very old. I remember exactly what I told Jamie when she first told me she was sick. I said: You - You're 18. You're perfect. Even though I knew that not even my beloved Jamie was perfect. Jamie's death was the worst thing that ever happened to me. Worse then my dad leaving, Jamie's death hurt a lot. It still hurts every time I think about her. Which is always. Jamie is always on my mind. There is never a day that goes by that I don't think of her. 

"Hey, Landon! Come back to earth." Jake said snapping me out of my Jamie Land.

"What?" I snapped.

"Whoa! OK. Just don't go biting my head off. You were in your own little world or something and I thought I'd let you know that we're done here." Jake said.

"Oh, OK. Sorry, Jake." I said.

_'And you don't know how true that is.'_ I thought.

"That's OK. What were you thinking about anyway, dude?" Jake asked.

"Oh, nothing." I lied because I couldn't tell him, Matt or Steven the truth without telling them the whole story about Jamie.

"Looked like something, man." Matt said.

"She died too young." I muttered without knowing it because I was still thinking about Jamie.

No one really heard me and if they did they didn't mention it. We walked back to the pool hall where Jake's jeep was parked and all headed home.

About two days later I ran into Jake at the med school while I was getting my courses figured out. Jake was with Tasha who was also going to be attending med school with us. 

"Hey." Jake said.

"Hey." I said back not too enthusiastically.

"What's up, man? You've been non-existent the last two days. What's up with that?" Jake asked.

"Nothing. Just don't want to go out." I replied.

"You sure that's it?" Jake asked, "The other day at _Record Mania_ when we were leaving you were kind of out of it."

"I was just thinking." I replied.

"Care to say what you were thinking about?" Jake asked.

_'I can't tell you. You'd have a million questions and I can't even talk about it.'_ I thought.

"Just stuff." I replied.

"You know you could tell me. That's what buddies are for." Jake said.

_'If I told you I'd have to tell Matt and Steven too. But I can't. I don't have the words or the strength.'_ I thought.

"I can't tell you, Jake. No matter how much I want to." I said, "It hurts too much." 

"OK. I promise this is the last time I'll bring it up." Jake said before him and Tasha left. 

That night I was hanging out with the guys again but this time Tasha, Kate and Sara were there too so it was awkward. We were walking by _Record Mania_ and the display in the window for the new Mandy Moore CD and I just had to look in the direction of the window. Ever since Jake had bought Tasha the CD two days ago images of the resemblance to Jamie invaded my mind. Then memories of Jamie and then images of Jamie herself.

"Hey, you OK, Carter?" Matt asked.

"Yah, I'm fine." I replied not really paying attention.

I was looking at the Mandy Moore display. She looked so much like my Jamie that I was bombarded by memories and flashbacks. It was overwhelming and I knew the guys and their girls were wondering what was up with me. I could tell because I stopped looking at the display for a second to try and clear my head and saw the clueless looks on all their faces. I had just been attacked by another memory of the summer with Jamie.

_It was a late summer evening and Jamie and I were sitting outside watching the sunset. Jamie turned to me and all I could think about was how beautiful she looked even as sick as she was with leukemia. It was something I was having a very hard time living with but I knew that she would leave soon. I just didn't know how soon._

"Landon, I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow morning." Jamie said, "My father is coming with me but I want to know if you will too."

"Jamie, you know you don't have to ask…of course I'll come." I replied.

"Good." Jamie said. "What do you want to do after that?" I asked. "Go to the beach with everyone." Jamie said, "I know Dr. Crahn said I had to stay out of the sun and I will but I know I'm getting worse and tomorrow may be the last time I go to the beach."

"We can do that." I said knowing it's what she really wanted and that no matter how much I tried to deny it she was right.

Jamie was sick and getting worse every minute it seemed. I wasn't entirely sure the beach thing was good idea but I love Jamie too much to say no. I knew her father wouldn't agree but he would've also let her because we both knew that her time on earth was getting shorter by the days.

The next day we headed to Dr. Crahn's office and Reverend Sullivan and I waited in the waiting room while she did some test on Jamie. It was regulation every time Jamie came in. The same tests...the same results. About the fifth time, I started wondering why they even did the tests when we already knew Jamie's prognosis. She would die. Maybe not today but she would eventually die. The doctor's went by fast and then we headed to the beach. Since Dean, Tracey, Belinda and Mark weren't around, only Reverend Sullivan, Jamie, Eric, my mom and myself went to the beach. My dad would've come but at the last minute he was called to the hospital. He told me he would try to come to dinner later that day. I knew it wouldn't be his fault if he didn't come to dinner. He was a cardiologist. They can very busy sometimes. Today was just a busy day for my father. All of us who made it to the beach were having a blast. Jamie didn't swim because of the sun and I didn't really feel like swimming so I hung with her under the sun blocker we put up. That was the best day of that entire summer. The next day Jamie couldn't even get out of bed. The very worst of it had started. Jamie would die and my life as I knew it would be over.

"Hey, Landon. Snap out of it." Jake called as the group started to leave the sidewalk by _Record Mania_.

"Are you sure nothing is bugging you?" Matt asked.

"I'm fine." I replied defensively.

There was no way whatsoever that they could drag the truth out of me. I wasn't ready for them to know. Four years later and I still can't deal with it. Telling them the truth would just make it harder. Way harder then it should be. These guys are my friends. I should be able to tell them about Jamie. But the sad truth is that I can't. I haven't really even tried so maybe I would be able to if I actually tried but I don't think I can.

**I am going to finish reformatiing this today probably...if I don't I'll finish it sometime tomorrow. If I don't get to it tomorrow I'll definetly get to it on Wendsday. **


	4. The Truth

**Chapter 3: The Truth:**

Medical school started and on the first day I had to drive Jake and Tasha because Jake's jeep was at the shop. But the whole time I was thinking that with Eric coming in two weeks my secret about Jamie and me might come out. That we were married.

_'I really should tell them. Or Jake and Tasha at least. Especially when it comes out what part of medicine I'm going into.'_ I thought pulling into the parking lot, _'Besides it can't stay hidden forever.'_

"Hey, man, what you thinking about?" Jake asked.

"Just some stuff." I replied.

"You sure you don't want to talk about it?" Jake asked.

"I do. I just don't know what to say." I replied.

"Well when you figure it out, you know you can tell us." Tasha said, "So we have to head to the student union for orientation to med school. Which doesn't really make sense to me but whatever."

_'Landon, just tell them you and Jamie were married. They won't think it's that weird.'_ I thought as we headed to the student union, _'They know you and they can tell you really love Jamie.'_

The three of us reached the student union and all the other first year med students were there already. I knew that part of orientation was stating your field of medicine and the reason(s) you wanted to enter that field of medicine. Mine was cancer and the only reason was Jamie. My soul mate, wife and best friend.

"Welcome, ladies and gentlemen to North Carolina School of Medicine at Duke University. This year and all following years will be hard work and a great learning experience. The harder you work the more it will pay off in the future. Especially those of you going into oncology and cancer research, slacking off is not an option for you and there is no way that it will benefit you. Anyone. Not just future oncologists but for everyone." The Dean said, "Now everyone can just introduce themselves and sate your field of medicine and any reason(s) you have for going into any particular field."

My turn came too soon and I knew my secret about me and Jamie was going to come out. At least to Tasha and Jake because Matt and Steven wouldn't know unless I told them. Neither would their girlfriends.

"Landon Carter. Oncology because my wife died of leukemia and I'd like to help others treat their cancer." I said remembering Jamie's last days alive.

Jake and Tasha looked at me with shock in their eyes and sympathy. But I knew I'd pay later for not telling them sooner. I also knew that they'd badger me to tell the others as well. Something I wasn't ready to do yet but knew I had to. Or they'd never drop it.

"Tasha Cleminns. Pediatrics because I love kids." Tasha said.

"Jake Evans. Pediatrics because kids need doctor's too." Jake said.

_'I'm dead.'_ I thought as I pulled out of the med school parking lot later that day with Tasha and Jake.

"So how come you left out the fact that you were married when you told us about Jamie?" Jake asked.

"It hurt too much. Talking about it takes effort and because I had always been a jerk around her in the past it hurts more." I said.

"You a jerk to a girl?" Jake asked trying to make the subject light-hearted.

"Yes, It's entirely possible, Jake. You didn't know me in high school and I was mean." I said, "Especially to Jamie."

"So what changed?" Tasha asked. "We were playing the lead characters in the spring play. And since I sucked at acting, I'd reluctantly asked Jamie to help me learn my lines. One day I messed that up by blowing off Jamie in front of my friends. The rehearsals for the play went on and during it all I managed to fall for Jamie. I just didn't realize it until opening night of the play." I replied, "She was still mad at me for what I'd said to her about seeing her after school to work on lines so getting her to trust me was hard. But Belinda had this great idea about flyers with Jamie on them using a picture from the play and it turned out badly. She was just trying to get back at me for hanging out with Jamie and not them...well mostly her. It was really mean and resulted in me driving Jamie home in the middle of lunch one day. That day I asked her out and after she told me she wasn't allowed to date I asked her father. I didn't know on our first date that she was sick. She didn't tell me until maybe our fifth date. It was one of the worst moments of my life."

"So how'd you know you wanted to marry her?" Jake asked.

"It was the night she told me that she wanted to be married in the church her dad and mom got married in. I didn't know then that she was sick but the night she told me she was sick cemented the idea." I replied, "We got married and had one whole summer together. Going to college that fall was hard. Especially since Jamie was gone."

"The first year of college you seemed really distant. I could never figure out why and you didn't say anything about Jamie until third year." Jake said.

"I couldn't talk about her to anyone until then. And even now it's hard." I remarked.

"So what was your summer married like?" Tasha asked.

"Bittersweet. There's no other way to answer that." I replied, "Some how I knew the day she said yes that she wouldn't live much longer. Remember that night a couple of weeks ago when we were all hanging out and walking by _Record Mania_ and I kind of spaced out?"

"Yah." Jake replied.

"I was thinking about Jamie and how much the singer in the front display looked like her." I continued, "Is it possible for something to be the worst and best at the same time? Because that summer was."

**Oh wow. I only started re formatting this today and it's done already. This is great. Now I can work on chapter four.**


	5. Eric

**Chapter 4: Eric:**

Eric came about a week after the truth about me and Jamie came out. So there were no awkward moments when Eric did the best bud thing by asking me how I was. It may have been four years since Jamie died but she will forever be with me. There's no changing that. We are forever linked. There is no other person for me. It would always and forever be Jamie. Eric and my other friends knew this so did the rest of them now. Jake, Steven and Matt had always tried to set me up with girls and I always said no. It didn't matter what they were like it was always and always would be Jamie. For four years, Jake, Steven and Matt didn't get why I'd say no. They'd always badgered me about going out with ladies before but now they never brought it up.

"Hey, man." Eric said.

"Hey." I said.

"What's up?" Eric asked.

"Just thinking." I replied.

"About what?" Eric asked.

"Jamie stuff." I replied.

"What Jamie stuff?" Eric asked.

"Her birthday would've been next month." I replied.

"Oh…yah." Eric said, "Are you going back to Beaufort then?"

"I don't know." I replied, "I think so. I was planning to but I don't know."

"You should…you've gone every year around her birthday." Eric said.

"It's just four years later it's still as hard." I said.

"It'll always be hard, Landon. But it should get easier as time goes by." Eric said. 

"If that's true then it should be a little easier by now." I said.

"It's only been four years. Give it some time." Eric said.

"I guess." I said.

I was in loner-mode again. At least that's what Steven calls it. I just call it taking some time to myself. Except that Eric was in town and wanted to see as much as he could in the time he was here. So my loner-mode was disguised. The date of Jamie's birthday always made me go into loner-mode, deeper in than anything else. Because Jamie's birthday was also the day she died. I always went to Beaufort without seeing anyone and talking to anyone. I was there for a day and a day only. I did this because that day belonged to Jamie. That's something the guys didn't know. I mean they knew I went to Beaufort at a certain time of year because I've done it for the last four years but they never knew why and now that they know the truth about Jamie they still don't know. It's something only Eric knows.

"They'll be here soon." Eric said.

"Actually they should've been here already." I said.

We were going out to play pool with the guys and their girlfriends and a girl that Eric had met the first time he came out with us. You could say Eric was using his magic on her. Or trying. She was a med-school classmate of Tasha's and so far had not responded to Eric's advances. In this gathering I was the odd one out. The one with out a girlfriend or prospect of a girlfriend. But there was a good reason for that. Jamie. No matter what I was determined to stay true to her. To me it didn't matter if she wasn't alive anymore because after Jamie there was no one else for me. I would die a lonely old man. Even though now I was only twenty-two I had already been married and she'd died.

Ring…ring.

"Well I guess they're here." Eric said.

"Yep. That's the doorbell." I said.

So we answered the door and left. I knew the guys and girls could tell there was something bugging me and so far only Eric knew what it was. I planned to keep it that way. I didn't want the guys to know about Jamie's birthday being the day she died. Although they already knew I'd be gone then. They wouldn't ever know why if I had anything to say about it. 

"So the girls decided they wanted to go to the movies." Jake announced as we left.

"What movie?" Eric asked.

"I think some chick flick." Steven replied.

"Hey!" Kate said indignant, "_Just Like Heaven_ is a great movie."

"You've already seen it?" I asked.

"Yes. We have." Sara replied.

"So why watch it again?" Eric asked.

"Because as Kate said it's a great movie." Tasha replied.

"So that means you guys have to come with us to see it this time. And suffer through watching as you would call it a chick flick." Anna, Tasha's friend, said.

_'Oh great. Just what I need right now. A movie about a ghost that falls in love with the guy living in her apartment.'_ I thought.

Eric was here for two weeks and then he headed back to Beaufort. When Eric left it was about a week before I would be heading that way my self. The day that would've been Jamie's twenty-second birthday and also the four year anniversary of the day she died was coming up. A fact that had me hiding out whenever possible.

**Okay I'm totally stuck on what to do for the next chapter. It will be when Landon goes to Beaufort but other than that I'm stuck. So until I have some ideas of stuff and work on them this fic is on hiatus. Enjoy and let me know about this new format. I'm changing all my fics to have this format because it's eaiser to read.**


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